Aggressive Mothers and Dangerous Dogs: The Affective Bond with a Dog

by Sasha Riess | 10.02.26. | Emotions

We continue with the topic we began last week. It leads us deeper into a truth that is often overlooked in discussions about the relationship between people and dogs: there is no dangerous dog, there are only owners who cannot or do not want to understand their own responsibility.

No matter how much society loves to label and stigmatize certain breeds, from pit bulls to Rottweilers, the reality is that a dog is not born with the intention to be aggressive.

The Dog as a Mirror, Not a Threat

A dog’s behavior is not a genetic sentence but a reflection of what we, as owners, bring into the relationship. But what if that relationship is shaped by aggressive mothers whose strictness and demands leave deep marks on our emotional understanding of the world?

When society talks about dangerous dogs, it is actually talking about our lack of understanding, about the invisible burdens we project onto our dogs and no less onto our other relationships. Let us explore this topic together, with compassion for all of us who struggle with inner wounds, and see how we can create harmony instead of conflict.

In a society prone to quick judgments, it is easy to blame the dog for being dangerous. Breed Specific Legislation in many countries targets certain breeds and labels them as inherently aggressive. However, behavior is not written in a dog’s genes in a way that makes violence unavoidable. Instead, a dog’s behavior is almost entirely shaped by external influences, and the greatest of these, almost one hundred percent, comes from the owner. The dog mirrors our actions, our emotions, our ability or inability to create a safe and stable environment.

When a dog shows aggression, withdrawal, or fear, this is not a sign of its nature but a reflection of what it has learned through its relationship with us. If the owner uses punishment, fear, or neglect, the dog reacts accordingly, not because it is dangerous but because that is the only response it knows. If the owner offers patience, understanding, and consistency, the dog learns trust and calmness. This is not a matter of breed. It is a matter of responsibility. And what if that responsibility is disrupted by deep emotional wounds rooted in the relationship with a mother whose strictness and demands shape the way we love and control? The world will not become safer by banning certain dogs. It will become safer when owners take responsibility for their influence and work on themselves to create harmony.

Behaviorism and the Affective Bond with a Dog

Behaviorism, a branch of psychology developed by pioneers such as John B. Watson and B. F. Skinner, teaches us that behavior is not inherent but learned through experience, through stimuli and the consequences that follow. Watson once stated that he could take ten healthy children and shape them into anything he wished, from doctors and lawyers to beggars, regardless of their background, genetic predispositions, social status, or race, emphasizing the power of environment in shaping behavior.

With dogs, this idea becomes even clearer. Whether we adopt a six week old puppy or an adult dog from a shelter, every dog immediately begins analyzing the new environment. His brain, thanks to neuroplasticity, constantly learns and adapts. This means the dog continuously responds to what we bring into his world, and every change in our behavior changes him as well.

If the stimulus is punishment, the response may be fear or aggression. If the stimulus is a reward, the response may still be avoidance because the real consequence comes from punishment when the reward is not earned. It is crucial to understand that the dog does not decide to be aggressive or obedient. He reacts to what the environment provides, and that environment is almost entirely shaped by the owner. The dog cannot choose whether he will live in stress, chaos, or violence, nor can he choose whether he will be trained gently or harshly. Almost one hundred percent of the influence comes from the owner, from the tone that is set, from the energy the owner brings into the relationship, from the consistency in communication. If the owner carries inner tension, fear, or a need for control, the dog senses it and responds. If the owner provides safety, the dog learns calmness and connection. The dog’s behavior is not a mystery; it is a direct reflection of what we bring into his world.

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The Broken Emotional Field of the Mother and Our Emotional Patterns

But why do owners often bring fear or control into the relationship with their dogs, even when they do not want to? The answer lies in our deepest emotional patterns, and one of the most significant sources of these patterns is the relationship with the mother, what I call the broken emotional field of the mother. This concept refers to the wounds we carry from that first and most intimate relationship, especially when the mother was angry, overly demanding, or emotionally unavailable. Such a relationship shapes our emotional image of the world, the way we experience love, safety, and trust.

If the mother was aggressive and demanding, often using strictness or punishment as a method of raising a child, we may learn to associate love with control and fear of disobedience. This can lead us to project these same patterns onto our dogs, expecting perfect obedience and reacting harshly to any sign of disobedience. This is not about blame. Mothers are themselves victims of their own circumstances and past. But we must acknowledge that this relationship shapes us in ways we cannot ignore, and that it spills over into all our connections, including those with our dogs.

The Affective Bond with a Dog: A Mirror of Our Wounds

Affective attachment styles can be secure, avoidant, anxious, or disorganized, and they shape how we experience closeness and safety. If we developed an avoidant style, we may distance ourselves from the dog, using coldness or punishment to avoid emotional closeness. If we have an anxious style, we may become overly protective, projecting our fear of loss onto the dog. A disorganized style, often linked to trauma and aggressive parental behavior, can lead to unpredictable reactions, loving one day and reacting with anger the next, which confuses the dog and creates insecurity.

Attachment theory teaches that these styles are not fixed. We can work on ourselves to build a more secure relationship, but this requires confronting the wounds from the broken emotional field of the mother. When we do this, we transform not only ourselves but also our relationships with our dogs and the world. The dog stops being a projection of our fears and becomes a partner in harmony. This is essential to understanding why owners often create dangerous dogs. It is not the dog’s fault. It is our unresolved wounds reflected through our behavior toward them.

The Story of Mark and Rex: From Aggression to Trust

Let us look at a story that shows how the broken emotional field of the mother and attachment styles influence the relationship with a dog. Mark, a man in his forties, came to me in despair because he did not want to euthanize his dog Rex, a Rottweiler, who was becoming increasingly aggressive.

Mark grew up with a mother who was demanding and often used physical punishment and harsh words to teach him obedience. Inside himself he carried the quiet sentence “I will never be like you”, never violent, never strict. When he got Rex, he wanted a dog who would give him love, a companion in a world he experienced as hostile, someone who would offer warmth and unconditional affection he had longed for since childhood.

However, he unconsciously projected his fears and need for control onto the dog. Every small sign of disobedience, even something as simple as barking at the mailman, Mark experienced as rejection, and he reacted harshly, using punishment and a raised voice, just like his mother had with him. Rex began showing aggression towards strangers, which only amplified Mark’s fears. Society quickly labeled Rex as a dangerous dog, and Mark faced pressure to euthanize him. But the problem was not the breed or the dog’s nature. The problem was Mark’s anxious attachment style, rooted in the demanding relationship with his mother.

Through work and guidance, Mark began to understand that his fear of losing control was not Rex’s problem but his own. When he began applying the principles from the harmony guide, Rex changed. He became calmer and more trusting. Mark did not simply fix Rex. He began healing his own wounds, building a more secure attachment style, and seeing the dog as a partner rather than a projection of the love he never received from his mother. This story shows how aggressive mothers can unconsciously shape aggressive owners, who then create aggressive dogs, but also how change begins when the owner takes responsibility for their influence.

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How the Owner Shapes the Dog: One Hundred Percent Responsibility

The behaviorist approach shows that a dog’s behavior is almost entirely a response to external influences, and the owner provides the greatest part of those influences. If the owner carries a broken emotional field of the mother, especially if the mother was demanding, their attachment style, whether avoidant, anxious, or disorganized, becomes the stimulus to which the dog reacts. The dog is not dangerous by nature. He becomes a reflection of the owner’s emotions and behavior. If the owner uses punishment, the dog learns fear or aggression. If the owner provides safety, the dog learns trust. Almost one hundred percent of the responsibility lies with the owner, not with the breed, not with genetics, but with the way the owner shapes the dog’s world.

This leads us to the key point. Society makes a mistake when it blames dogs for danger. Instead of banning breeds or condemning dogs, we must focus on educating owners, on understanding their emotional patterns, and on helping them build harmonious relationships. The dog is not the problem. The problem lies in our unresolved wounds, often rooted in relationships with aggressive mothers, which become reflected in our behavior toward dogs.

The Affective Bond with a Dog and the Path to Harmony

If we want to create a world without dangerous dogs, we must start with ourselves. Confronting the broken emotional field of the mother is not easy, especially if that relationship was filled with anger, punishment, and demands, and I know that for many of you this can be a painful process. But working on ourselves, through reflection, conversation, or professional support, can transform not only us but also our relationships with our dogs. Attachment theory teaches that attachment styles are not fixed. We can move toward a dog secure attachment, but this requires courage to face our wounds.

Practically, this means we stop blaming dogs for our fears and take responsibility for the influence we have on them. Instead of punishment, we use patience and understanding. Instead of control, we build trust. Instead of projecting our emotional burdens onto them, we learn to love them as they are and to love ourselves in the same way. When we learn to love ourselves unconditionally, we can love dogs unconditionally, freeing ourselves from the burden of aggressive patterns we adopted as our own.

As I conclude this column, I invite you to reflect. Is it time to stop blaming dogs for our fears and take responsibility for the relationships we create with them? There is no dangerous dog. There are only owners who are unaware of their influence, shaped by mothers whose wounds we unconsciously continue to carry.

We have the strength to change this. Through understanding, intentional work, and the harmony of relationship, we can create a bond that heals both us and our dogs as well as the world around us.

Let your next moment with your dog be a moment of awareness. Look into his eyes and ask yourself: what am I bringing into this relationship? If you feel the weight of the past, know that you are not alone, and that every step toward understanding can create change.

Dogs are here to remind us of the power of unconditional love waiting quietly within us.

At Integrative and Holistic Grooming Education, we believe that every physical symptom is a message. Understanding these signals and addressing them through a holistic lens is at the heart of everything we teach to ensure the well-being of every dog in our care.