by Sasha Riess | 08.05.26. | Emotions
People are often confused by the same phenomenon. Why do relationships that end in violence almost always begin as perfect, intense, passionate, and filled with extreme love? The answer lies deep in our psychology, in the wounds we carry and the patterns we learned in childhood, often unconsciously.
Rose-Colored Glasses as a Reaction to Pain
Many people enter a new relationship not from inner peace, but from escape. They are running from previous pain and moving toward something that looks better. However, when the lesson from the previous relationship has not been integrated, the new relationship often becomes even more difficult.
This is not visible at first. In the early days or months, everything feels like rescue. This honeymoon phase of extreme love is actually an emotional lure that hides future patterns of violence. To understand why relationships that end in violence begin with extreme love, we must look at how we interpret intensity as intimacy.
Why Violence Is Experienced as Love
If a person grew up in an environment where violence—physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual—was normalized, the nervous system learns to connect excitement, fear, and unpredictability with love.
In other words: What feels familiar feels close. And what feels close is interpreted as love. That is why a person may repeatedly choose destructive partners, even though they consciously do not want to.
[Image depicting the contrast between extreme idealization and the reality of control]
How Extreme Love Is Created at the Beginning
A partner who later becomes violent often shows the following at the beginning:
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Excessive attention
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Very rapid emotional bonding
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A strong need for control presented as care
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Euphoria and idealization
This ideal partner later becomes someone who humiliates, manipulates, controls, or directly causes physical harm. The victim often remains trapped because of one thought: “But he or she used to be so good.” This is the most dangerous part of the cycle.
A silhouette of a couple showing the contrast between initial idealization and later violence.
The Role of Old Wounds
When we carry a learned belief from childhood that love is connected to fear, tension, or threat, we unconsciously choose relationships that repeat this pattern. The nervous system searches for what is familiar, even when it is harmful.
That is why why relationships that end in violence begin with extreme love is a cycle rooted in the search for the familiar. The intensity at the start is often the mirror image of the destruction at the end.
At Sasha Riess, we believe that true connection starts with healing the self. Recognizing why relationships that end in violence begin with extreme love is the first step toward breaking ancestral patterns and finding a path to pureloveandharmony, where love is synonymous with peace, not intensity and fear. Discover more: Linktree Sasha Riess
by Sasha Riess | 03.05.26. | Emotions
Affective connection with a dog in a quiet and gentle moment
Today I want to look beneath the surface and explore how our deepest emotional bonds, especially those with our mothers, shape the way we connect with our dogs. These loyal companions often become mirrors of our inner struggles, touching the places we try the hardest to hide.
I know that discussing family relationships and emotional wounds can be difficult, so take your time with this reading. If you feel the need to pause, please do. I wrote this text with understanding for everyone who carries their own silent burdens. Let us gently explore how our early emotional environment, especially the relationship with our mother, shapes how we love and care for our dogs.
The Affective Bond with a Dog: What They Touch in Us Without Words
Dogs are often the first witnesses to our quietest moments. They are there when we laugh, when we cry, and when we struggle with silence inside ourselves. Their gaze, a warm wag of the tail, or quiet presence beside us can bring comfort we cannot find anywhere else.
This bond is not accidental. It is deeply rooted in our human need for connection. If you have ever felt that your dog understands you without a single word, you know exactly what I mean. They become part of our family, part of our emotional life, and through that connection we do not only give, we also receive something precious, the feeling of belonging.
In earlier writings we explored how our approach to dogs, whether through punishment or harmony, shapes their behavior and inner state. Today I want us to go one step further, gently and honestly, and explore how these relationships reflect our own emotional patterns. How the world shaped us, and how that shaping flows into our relationship with our dogs. This is not a story about guilt or blame, but about understanding, toward ourselves and toward those who share life with us.
Dogs often recognize our silent emotions better than people do.
A dog sensing the emotion of its owner and reacting to the affective bond
Dogs often recognize our silent emotions better than people do. Affective bonds are emotional attachments that give us security, comfort and the sense that we are not alone. They begin in early childhood, through relationships with parents or caregivers, and shape how we later love, trust and seek closeness. If it has ever been hard for you to open up to others or if you worry excessively about those you love, this may be a reflection of those early attachments. And that is alright. We all carry our stories, and every one of them matters.
How Early Maternal Fields Shape Our Relationship with Dogs
When it comes to dogs, they often become our safe base. Their unconditional love, the way they greet us without judgment and without expectations, can feel like healing for wounds we carry. They do not demand explanations and do not ask questions. They simply stay. But we also project onto them our needs, our fears and the way we learned to love.
If we grew up in an environment where love was conditional, we may expect perfect obedience from our dog. If we learned to fear loss, we might overprotect our dog even when it is unnecessary. This is not something to feel guilty about. It is the echo of what lives inside us.
The relationship with our mother, the first and most intimate bond, is not always ideal even though society insists it should be. The concept I call the Broken Mother Field refers to the emotional wounds many of us carry from this relationship, whether due to absence, overcontrol, emotional distance or trauma. This is not an accusation toward mothers. They too are often victims of their own circumstances and histories. But this bond shapes us in ways we cannot ignore, and it inevitably spills into all our relationships, including the one with our dog.
Broken Mother Field: When the Mother’s Shadow Influences the Bond with the Dog
If the maternal relationship was colored by fear of abandonment, we may cling too tightly to our dog, using control instead of trust. If maternal love was conditional, we may expect our dog to earn affection through perfect behavior, creating a dynamic of punishment rather than understanding. This is difficult to acknowledge and may be painful for some, but facing these wounds, even privately, can be the first step toward liberation, not only for us but also for our dogs, who often carry the weight of our unspoken emotions.
How Culture Shapes Our Bond with Dogs
The way we bond with dogs is not only personal. It is shaped by the society around us. In some cultures, dogs are viewed as tools, guardians or workers, beings that must be controlled. In such environments punishment becomes a common method of shaping the dog, reflecting a broader cultural attitude based on control rather than understanding. In other cultures, dogs are seen as equal members of the family and the relationship is built on empathy and companionship. This is not a matter of right or wrong. It is a matter of what we learned and what shaped us.
Science also shows how these bonds influence us biologically. When we pet or play with a dog, both our bodies and theirs release oxytocin, the hormone of bonding and reduced stress. This is not just emotion, this is physiology. Our relationship with dogs can heal us in ways we do not immediately notice. But if we bring fear or control into the relationship, we can create the opposite effect, stress and tension for both.
Dogs as Mirrors of Our Unspoken Feelings
Let me share a story that shows how the affective bond with a dog can be both healing and challenging. I will call her Ana, though that is not her real name. Ana grew up in a family where discipline was strict and emotions were suppressed. When she adopted a small mixed breed dog named Max, she unknowingly repeated the same pattern. Whenever Max barked or chewed on something, Ana reacted sharply by yelling or isolating him. She was not cruel. She simply repeated what she had learned in childhood.
But Max began to change. He became withdrawn, stopped wagging his tail, and hid under tables. Ana felt guilty but did not know what to do. Through conversations and inner work she realized Max was not a dog who refused to listen, he was a mirror of her inner world. Her fear of losing control, learned in childhood, had become his fear of existing freely.
When she changed her approach, using patience, rewards and gentle communication, Max slowly returned. He played, he ran to her, he showed joy. And Ana felt lighter, as if she let go of a burden she had carried for years.
This story is not unique. Many of us live out old patterns in our relationships with dogs. If you ever felt your dog was not listening or that you cannot create a bond, it may be worth asking what inside you is being reflected.
Control, Fear and Projection: How a Dog Feels What We Suppress
This is not a question of placing blame. It is about understanding. We all learn, grow and make mistakes on the way to finding a better path. Affective connection with dogs is a two way street. Dogs feel our emotions. When we are under stress, they sense it and often become anxious. When we are calm, they become our companions in peace.
When a Dog Actually Heals Us: The Biological and Emotional Truth
Dogs also teach us. Their unconditional love reminds us what it means to love without expectation, to exist in the present moment. If you have ever felt that your dog understands you better than people, perhaps it is because dogs do not judge or analyze. They simply are.
Do we shape their world through our behavior, or do they shape us by teaching empathy and unconditional love? I believe the answer is both. We bring our stories, fears and hopes into the relationship, and the dog reflects them back. But dogs also offer us the chance to change, to learn a new way of connecting, to free ourselves from old patterns. This is not easy, and for some it may be painful to face this inner mirror. Yet step by step, with gentleness toward ourselves, we can find the path to a deeper bond with our dogs and with ourselves.
Small Steps Toward a Healthier Affective Bond with Your Dog
If you want to nurture a healthy emotional bond with your dog, here are a few gentle suggestions:
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Be patient with your dog and with yourself. If you feel frustration when your dog does not listen, take a breath and ask what is truly upsetting you. It may not be the dog, but something deeper within.
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Use rewards and praise instead of punishment. Let your dog know it is loved even when it makes mistakes.
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Spend quality time together through walks, play or quiet moments. These experiences build trust that heals both of you.
A hug that heals—the dog as a gentle witness to our deepest feelings.
If you struggle to connect with your dog or to face the emotions that the relationship awakens, know you are not alone. Seeking support through conversation, reflection or education can be a step toward peace. By nurturing harmony with our dogs, we nurture ourselves. We learn to love, to face our past and to be present.
As I write these final lines, I want to remind you that every relationship, including the one with your dog, is an opportunity for growth. If you ever felt guilt or confusion about how you relate to your dog, know that it is alright. We all carry our stories, and every one of them deserves understanding.
Dogs remind us of the strength of unconditional love, but they also teach us to offer that love to ourselves first. Let your next moment with your dog be a moment of presence. Look into your dog’s eyes, feel its warmth, and allow yourself to be vulnerable. You might discover that your dog is not only your companion but your mirror, showing not only your fears but your capacity to love, to change and to grow.
The world shapes us in many ways, and the relationship with the mother often leaves the deepest imprint. Yet through these gentle bonds with our dogs, we have the opportunity to reshape ourselves for the better, to heal the broken fields within and to find the peace we deserve.
Thank you for being here until the end of this text. May your path with your dog be filled with harmony, understanding and true love.
At Sasha Riess, we understand that our pets are the custodians of our unspoken truths. Exploring why dogs touch the places where it hurts is an act of courage that leads us to a state of pureloveandharmony. Discover more:Linktree Sasha Riess
by Sasha Riess | 22.04.26. | Emotions
When a dog refuses obedience, most people assume something is wrong with the dog. But the truth is much deeper. I first encountered the idea of a culture of conflict through the work of my mentor, systemic therapist Vlado Ilić, who taught me that conflict is not a mistake but a natural process of growth.
Every conflict, even the one that appears between a human and a dog, is actually an invitation to look deeper into ourselves and face what we suppress.
Why Disobedience Is Not a Problem with the Dog
The culture of conflict teaches that conflict is not a flaw in a relationship but a natural occurrence that carries within it the possibility of growth and development. Every conflict is an invitation to look deeper, to see what we suppress, and to grow into more complete human beings through that encounter.
The clash between human and dog is often a reflection of our internal emotional conflict.
What Happens When a Dog Refuses Obedience
In practice, this becomes very clear. We often see conflict when a dog refuses obedience or does not do what we expect. Instead of stopping and asking why, we rush into training, forcing the dog to adapt to our demands. In doing so, we repeat the same patterns of force and upbringing that we once promised ourselves we would never repeat.
Dogs as Mirrors of the Human Shadow
This is not a conflict with the dog; it is a conflict with ourselves. It is a struggle with the part of us we do not want to acknowledge, the part whose longing for freedom becomes visible through a “disobedient” dog.
Dogs help us because they demand presence. They do not know masks. Their reaction is always authentic. When we learn to remain present in conflict with a dog, not resorting to punishment or force, but asking what the dog’s behavior is showing us, we touch the essence of harmony.
The Order of Love and Systemic Balance
Family constellations work with systemic laws, described by Bert Hellinger as the Order of Love. The three principles are:
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The right to belonging: The dog belongs in our life, but not as a projection.
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Respect for order: The human carries responsibility through grounded leadership.
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Balance of giving and receiving: The dog is not a toy; he must receive safety, clarity, and love.
Silence and presence allow conflict to become a gift rather than an obstacle.
Presence and Silence: How to Respond
If I had to choose one practice for when a dog refuses obedience, it is to learn how to listen in silence. Not to listen through a mask or the ears of our parents, but through our own being. This means pausing before reacting, taking a breath inward, entering silence, and only then responding.
In my years of working with dogs, I have grown the most in conflict. Every crack in a relationship can become a place where light enters. If we dare to see conflict as a gift, it becomes a teacher rather than an enemy.
At Integrative and Holistic Grooming Education, we view every challenge as a path toward pureloveandharmony. When a dog refuses obedience, they are leading you toward your own shadow. Embrace the lesson:Linktree Sasha Riess
by Sasha Riess | 22.04.26. | Emotions
In everyday life with dogs, play is often taken for granted as something always good, something that releases energy, brings joy, and strengthens the bond. But why is play not just play?
The Primal Nature of Play: The Endless Hunt
To understand the power of play, we must go back to its origin. The dog is a descendant of the wolf, a hunter whose survival depended on reenacting hunting behavior. For a dog, the motion of a thrown ball carries the same signal as prey.
In nature, this ritual always has a clear end. When the prey escapes or is caught, the cycle ends. In domestic life, when the prey keeps returning, the cycle never closes. The ball comes back again and again, and the instinct remains open. It is like a wound that never heals.
When constant stimulation floods the dog’s nervous system — instead of play, unrest arises.
Cortisol and the Cycle of Excitement
Modern science shows that excessive stimulation leads to chronic cortisol release—the stress hormone. A dog that chases balls every day falls into a loop:
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The more we activate the hunting instinct, the stronger the excitement.
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The harder it is to calm down, the more the dog seeks new stimulation.
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This is not simple joy; it is a form of addiction similar to the human need for adrenaline.
Play as a Ritual, Not a Habit
In the Harmony Handbook, we teach that rituals create rhythm between tension and release. For play to serve as a true ritual, it must be controlled. A simple rule: any game that activates the hunting instinct (balls, frisbee, tugging) should be rare and structured—perhaps once a week, not daily.
Calm Play: The Power of Touch and Presence
If we reduce play solely to chasing, we miss its deeper meaning. Calm play—such as gentle touch, chest scratching, or soft brushing—is often what the dog values most. During these moments, cortisol decreases and oxytocin, the hormone of connection and safety, increases.
Consequences of Misguided Play
Many owners do not connect behavioral problems with the way they play. Pulling on the leash, barking, or even urinating in the house are often symptoms of an overwhelmed nervous system. When the body is stuck in „fight or flight,“ the dog cannot regulate basic needs.
Calm rituals and touch — the most powerful way to reduce stress and strengthen the bond with your dog.
Practical Advice for Conscious Play
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Structured hunting play once weekly: Keep it short (3-5 minutes).
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Remove constant reminders of prey: Do not leave balls within the dog’s permanent reach.
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Daily calm rituals: Prioritize touch, grooming, and quiet rest.
True harmony does not come from constant pursuit of excitement. It comes from balance, awareness, and the tenderness through which relationships are built.
At Integrative and Holistic Grooming Education, we teach that peace is the ultimate goal. If your dog is trapped in a cycle of high arousal, it’s time to return to the basics of presence. Explore the pureloveandharmony approach:Linktree Sasha Riess
by Sasha Riess | 21.04.26. | Emotions
A sold life begins the moment we hand our choices over to other people’s expectations, fear, or money. How many times have you told yourself: “I have to stay in a relationship I do not love, because of money” or “I have to work a job I hate”? These are all examples of how justifications lead to a sold life. What you truly have to do is face your own justifications. Because justifications are the currency we most often use to pay for a sold life.
How Justifications Lead to a Sold Life
Excuses are sophisticated. They sound reasonable, realistic, even noble. “I have to because of money,” “I have to because of the children,” “I have to endure it, that is how I was taught,” or “Better something than nothing.” But every one of these excuses has a price: your freedom. And so, little by little, life becomes a chalkboard that others write on instead of you.
Selling Ourselves for the Illusion of Security
Social media, movies, and other people’s lives all sell the same illusion—that happiness will come through money, stability, career, and a so-called proper life. But the truth is brutal and simple: that happiness never comes the way it was promised. You can have money, you can have status, you can have a perfect profile, but if the price was a sold life, everything remains hollow.
Pull the Handbrake and Stop Selling Your Life
What you do from the soul, from meaning, from integrity, that is what truly nourishes you. That is the only thing that brings peace. The strongest criticism, mockery, and resistance always appear when I am on the right path. Not because I am wrong, but because others feel their own stagnation. When I am criticized on both Serbian and English platforms, I know I am touching truth. And truth rarely leaves anyone indifferent.
Every justification has a price—we most often pay it with our own destiny.
Why Do You Keep Braking When It Is Time to Accelerate
Most people pull the handbrake when fear appears—fear of change, fear of judgment, fear of failure, fear of other people’s opinions. But the truth is that you are most alive when you release the brake. When you stop trading yourself for expectations that were never truly yours.
Your Justification or Your Freedom
We all have justifications, but we do not have to live by them. We can recognize them, dismantle them, and decide to stop selling our time, our emotions, and our destiny for a fragment of false security. Freedom never comes through money, applause, or social norms. Freedom comes the moment you stop selling yourself.
So the question remains: What is your justification?
At Integrative and Holistic Grooming Education, we believe that authenticity is the highest form of energy. Whether in life or in your relationship with your dog, truth is the only path to harmony. Stop braking and start living:Linktree Sasha Riess
by Sasha Riess | 17.04.26. | Emotions
When a dog dies, time seems to stop. What remains is silence in the house, an empty spot on the couch, and an indescribable feeling that a part of you is gone. People often say “It’s just a dog.” But anyone who has ever loved a dog knows it’s much more than that. It’s a being that breathed with you every day, followed you with its eyes, slept by your feet, and quietly carried a piece of your soul.
The Day After – The Emptiness After a Dog’s Death
The first day without them is the hardest. You instinctively hear footsteps that no longer exist, you reach for a bowl that’s now empty. The house breathes differently. The body remembers the routine, but the heart refuses to accept the absence. Grief for a dog isn’t “just sadness”, it’s physical, real, and follows its own rhythm.
“It’s Just a Dog” – Why Society Doesn’t Understand Our Grief
Many people won’t understand why you cry “so much over a dog.” But your pain is real because the relationship was real. A dog never pretends to love. It loves you purely, without masks, and that’s why its absence hurts deeper than words can express.
When a Dog Dies, a Part of Us Goes With Them
Every dog carries a piece of our lives. The first apartment, heartbreak, joy, moving homes—they witness all our changes. When they go, it feels as though a part of our past disappears with them. That’s why grief feels endless, because we lose not only them, but the memories that breathed with them.
The Death of a Dog as a Trigger for Hidden Emotions
Sometimes a dog’s death opens the door to emotions we’ve long kept buried. We grieve for them, but also for everything we never had the courage to feel. Their departure forces us to face parts of ourselves we’ve been avoiding, and that’s part of healing.
The Body Knows Grief – The Physical Side of Losing a Dog
Grief doesn’t stay only in the mind; the body carries it. People often feel insomnia, chest pain, or heaviness in the stomach. It’s the body’s way of processing loss. Allow yourself to feel it all, because suppressed grief stays in the body as silence that never fades.
The memory of a dog remains in every glance, movement, and silence.
Family Dynamics – The Dog Who Carried Our Emotions
A dog is never just a pet. It carries the family’s energy, reflecting its rhythm and tensions. When they’re gone, we often realize how much their presence held balance in the home. Their absence exposes our inner imbalances, the ones we no longer have anyone to project onto.
A Dog as Our Last Honest Love
Dogs are often the only beings we love without fear of being hurt. They accept us completely, and their loss reveals how much we’ve missed that kind of unconditional love from humans. They are the mirror of our ability to love purely.
How to Grieve and Allow Yourself to Feel
Grief has no deadline and no right way to go through it. Some people make a photo album, some light a candle, some just sit in silence. What matters is to give yourself permission to feel. Don’t cut off your sadness with “I have to pull myself together.” Grief is proof that love existed.
The Order of Harmony – When It’s Time to Let Go
Letting your dog go doesn’t mean forgetting them. It means giving them freedom to leave, and giving yourself peace to continue. That’s when grief stops suffocating and starts healing. Love doesn’t disappear; it simply changes form.
The Day After Is Not the End – Love Remains
They may no longer be physically here, but their place in your life remains forever, in every walk and in every glance toward the sky. It’s not the end. It’s a new form of connection, quieter but no less real. Love for a dog never ends. You just learn to breathe with it.
At Integrative and Holistic Grooming Education, we believe that the bond between a human and a dog transcends the physical. When that bond changes form, we are here to help you find the path back to harmony. Love is eternal: Linktree Sasha Riess
